It’s hard to see yourself for who you really are. I just read a post on Lisa Eirene’s blog, 110 Pounds and Counting, about Body Dysmorphic Disorder. She talks about how even after losing over 100 pounds and maintaining it for over 2 years, she still has moments where she looks in the mirror and thinks she doesn’t look good. Our brain can definitely play tricks with us. For years, I looked in the mirror and denied the changes that were happening with my body as I gained weight. I started packing on the pounds when I was about 10 years old. In middle school, I was the chubby girl. By high school, I weighed around 215. I actually lost the Freshman 15 in college and got below 200 for the first time in years. When I came home from college after my freshman year and moved out on my own, that’s when I really started my upward spiral. Over the course of about 5 years, I gained almost 100 pounds. A combination of eating out for pretty much every single meal, a roaring junk food habit, and becoming self-employed and, thus, glued to my computer really took its toll on my weight.
However, even after gaining that much weight, I never looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh, my gosh. I have gained a ton of weight.” I still felt like I looked okay. Yeah, in my head, I knew I was fat. I just didn’t see it. Even today, I look in the mirror and don’t feel like I look like someone who is 270 pounds. My little fantasy world always comes crashing down when I see a picture of myself.
I was visiting my mom a couple of weeks ago and she was making a picture collage for my 5-year-old niece. I was absolutely horrified at some of the photos of me. I looked like a swelled-up balloon ready to pop. The worst were the ones where my mom would say, “Oh, here’s a good one of you, Lisa.” I couldn’t help but think, “If that’s a good one of me, why do I look so terrible?”
I can’t wait to see some lower numbers on the scale and start noticing some real changes in how I look, but I also am trying to focus on accepting myself for who I am. I realize that I am not my ideal self right now, but I am who I am. Whether I can see it or not when I look in the mirror, this is me.
Thanks for reading my blog. I'm glad you could relate to that post. I was reluctant to share it because I felt like some people would think "Stop complaining, you lost 100 pounds." But it really is something that I struggle with once in awhile. Even after losing so much it's easy to look in the mirror and criticize body parts that aren't "perfect." Perfect for who?
ReplyDeleteAnd I was the same way you were--at 250 I never really looked in the mirror and thought "I've gained SO much weight!" Nope, I thought "I'm not THAT heavy."