A Year of Weigh-Ins: Week 1

Highest Weight: 312.0
Week 1 Weight: 300.2

To make myself accountable and keep myself from turning off that part of my brain that actually wants me to do well at this whole healthy living thing, I have made a promise.  I'm going to weigh in every single week for the rest of the year, no matter what the number is.

I know that getting healthy isn't about defining yourself by a number on a scale.  I'm going to try not to live or die by the number I see on the scale each week.  I even thought about not weighing myself at all and just taking measurements once a month or so.  But, ultimately, I'm trying to figure out what's going to work for me this time when it hasn't worked for me before.  Weighing myself once a week has always been more motivational to me than a detriment.  Knowing that on Monday I'm going to have to step on that scale and post the number has kept more than a few weekend binges at bay.  Where I have run into trouble in the past is when I start obsessing about the number, weighing myself at least once a day and sometimes multiple times a day hoping for a better result.  Then whatever that number is dictates how I feel about myself that day.  I will no longer let my self-worth be attached to a number on the scale.   



Staying Present

I've always been the most successful when I have consistently tracked my eating and weighed in regularly.  I have an uncanny ability to come down with amnesia and "forget" about the fact that I'm supposed to be eating healthy.  When I force myself to write down what I'm eating, I have to stay present.  I can't just pretend I don't need to make changes and that it's okay to eat whatever I want in whatever amounts I want.

In order to keep myself accountable, I'm going to weigh in each Monday throughout 2015.  Good, bad or ugly, I'm going to post my weight here every week. 

I'm also going to consistently write down what I'm eating.  I'm not sure what I'm shooting for as far as how many calories I should eat per day.  I think I'm going to experiment with different amounts for a few weeks and see what works best for me, but my main focus is still going to be eating throughout the day and avoiding a binge for now.



So here's a number I never want to see again.  Ugh!  I weighed in this morning at exactly 300 pounds.  I'm ready to lower that number ASAP.


Making Changes

I know I have to look at losing weight differently than I have in the past if I want to succeed where I have failed so many times.  I need to implement real changes in the way I live so that I don't feel like I'm constantly "on a diet," but I'm also building toward something I can maintain after I lose all the weight.  I want a healthy lifestyle to become second nature to me.

I know that isn't going to happen overnight.  For most of my childhood and all of my adult life, I have only known what it's like to be fat.  I'm not just going to wake up one day and completely change the way I look at food and the way I look at myself.

What I am going to do is identify the things I am doing now that are contributing to an unhealthy lifestyle and then implement changes, make new habits that will get me moving down a healthier road.

One of the biggest problems I have right now is my relationship with food.  I posted about this a couple of years ago in one of my last posts before I went MIA, but I am a binge eater.  I need to figure out how to stop the binging.  It is not uncommon for me to eat absolutely nothing until 5:00 or 6:00 at night.  Sometimes I don't even take a drink of water until then.  By that point in the day, I am ravenously hungry and don't care if I eat healthy foods or not.  I just want food...and lots of it.  I need to figure out why I binge and how to stop it.

I have never really been a breakfast eater.  I just didn't do it when I was a kid and continued that habit into adulthood.  I was a very picky eater when I was younger.  I absolutely hated school lunches, but my mom would rather give me money to eat at school than buy ingredients and prep something for me to take from home.  From kindergarten on, I refused to eat lunch from the school cafeteria, so I just didn't eat anything.  Then in middle school, you could buy other things with your lunch money like ice cream or just French fries.  If I ate anything for lunch at all, it would be ice cream.  Our high school had open lunch.  It was located near a group of fast food restaurants and they would let us walk to the restaurants and eat lunch.  On the rare occasions that I did eat lunch, it would be Wendy's or Taco Bell.

Habits that you form during your childhood are hard to break.  After 25 years of no breakfast and rarely lunch, I have gotten used to not eating until the afternoon.  Now I actually have a hard time even thinking about food early in the day.  The thought of eating breakfast when I first wake up makes me feel nauseous.

So, ironically, one of my biggest hurdles to overcome right now is that I don't eat often enough.  My metabolism has got to be incredibly slow because of years of going long stretches in a day without food.  I feel like I need to wake my body up and force it to start burning some calories.  In order to do that, I need to eat more than once a day.  I need to eat breakfast and lunch.

Ideally, breakfast should be a big meal, over 500 calories, and lunch should be the same.  I know I am not going to be able to just wake up tomorrow and eat a huge breakfast.  I am, however, going to start making a habit of eating in the morning, even if it's just something small.  Hopefully I can get over feeling nauseous at the thought of food in the morning and get to the point where I am hungry in the morning.  Then I can increase the calories and increase the amounts I eat.

So Operation Eat Breakfast is in full effect.  Today, I had an egg.  It's something, and something is better than nothing.  


Has It Really Been That Long?

So I was sitting at home the other night (bored, obviously) and decided to log in to Blogger and check out my old Shrinkella blog.  When I got on, I realized I hadn't posted anything in 2 1/2 years.  2 1/2 years ago I decided to take a "little" blogging break.  I truly cannot believe it's been that long.  I can't believe that much time has passed.  The sad thing is that even though I think about how unhealthy I am and how much I hate being fat every single day, I have changed absolutely nothing about my health in the past 2 1/2 years.  In fact, I am even bigger now than I was when I last posted.  I'm even more unhealthy than before.

Looking through all the old posts made me realize that I need to try again.  I have tried to get healthy and lose weight so many times.  It has never worked.  Something always derails me and I give up.

What's different about this time?  Why am I going to lose weight now when I never have in the last two decades of failed attempts dating back to my elementary school days?  Well, frankly, I have no idea.  Honestly, I don't even know if I believe in myself enough to lose the weight at this point.  I know how to lose weight.  I know what's healthy, what's not.  I just have been here before a thousand times, ready to try again hoping that this will be the time, and it always ends with nothing changing.  So I don't know how it's going to be different this time.  All I know is I have to lose the weight.  I can't continue down this path.  The life I'm living right now is not a life.

I've always been a big planner.  I sit down and spend hours writing out detailed workout plans and meal plans just to follow them for a few days and then abandon them.  Sure, there have been times I've strung together a few months of healthy eating.  I've even lost 30 or 40 pounds several times.  I've been hopeful and excited that I was actually on the right track.  But somehow I still always end up where I am now, feeling like a huge failure and needing to start back at Square 1. 

This time I don't have a plan.  I am not waiting until Monday.  I'm not waiting until the first of the month.  I'm not going to give myself a couple of days to get my kitchen filled with healthy foods and eat up the last of whatever unhealthy foods I have hanging around.  Those are all things I've done in the past to delay the pain of starting over.  Those are all things that have never worked for me.  So I'm just starting.  I'll figure it out as I go.  I don't care how long it takes me this time.  I just have to do it.


Stepping Away

It's been two weeks since I posted...again.  I am so bad at keeping up with the blog.  I actually have been working on finding balance with food.  As you know from my last few posts, I make myself crazy over food.  Either I have to be absolutely perfect and eat only the healthiest foods in moderation or I am on the opposite end of the spectrum where I eat absolutely everything in sight.  I have realized it's a real problem that I can't hide from. 

For the last couple of weeks, I've been very conscious about my relationship with food.  I've tried not to stress too much about making sure I only eat healthy, but instead focus on managing my portion sizes and only eating when I'm actually hungry.  Stress does not equal hunger.  I haven't been weighing myself because I didn't want the number on the scale to trigger me to binge.  However, I weighed in yesterday and I've lost about 6 pounds over the past couple of weeks.  I am feeling better physically, too.

Anyway, my point is, I'm on a very long road.  I have about 120 pounds to lose to get to a "normal" weight.  I'm done with all the fads and quick weight loss plans.  I'm doing this the right way, and along the way, I hope to repair my rocky relationship with food.  The thing is, I just don't have much to say right now.  I'm working on it.  It's going to be a long, slow and steady journey.

So I'm stepping away from the blog for a little while as I try to sort everything out.  I don't want to keep posting about how great I did one week just to post about how the next week was a disaster.  I want to be done with the ups and downs of weight loss.  I just want to live a healthy and active life.  I started this blog to motivate me and push me to meet my goals.  However, it's kind of turned into something stressful for me.  I know I don't post very often, but I'm always thinking that I should post something and worrying that I haven't been a good enough weight loss blogger when I don't lose any weight. 

I will post again.  I just need to get a solid grip on this balanced lifestyle before I can share my journey with you guys.  Thanks for being there for me and all the great comments I've received up to now.  I'll keep following your blogs and being inspired by everyone!


The First Big Test

I've been doing sooo good so far this week.  I made a big batch of chicken and white bean chili earlier in the week so I would always have at least one healthy option ready to go when I started getting hungry.  I've been super busy with work and I still am, so I feel really great about the fact that I've been eating healthy instead of just running out to grab fast food when work stress started getting to me.

This weekend will be the first big test for me.  For some reason, as soon as the calender changes to Friday, my brain flips a switch.  I've been so controlled all week.  I've been working hard.  I just want to let loose and eat whatever I want to.  I can get back on track Monday, right?

I realize that isn't a healthy way to live your life.  Five days of being healthy can easily be undone by a two-day free-for-all.  I'm working very hard to get out of this mindset of having a "free" weekend, but I know this weekend is going to be tough.  I already am fighting the urge to forget about the fact I have chicken breast thawing in the fridge ready for the grill and just go get the things I'm really craving.  My brain is telling me right now, "You can eat whatever you want for one more day and then start again tomorrow."  The problem is I know I'll tell myself the same thing again tomorrow, and one more day will turn into one more and then one more.

So I'm going to fight with myself today.  I'll probably have to fight with myself tomorrow, too.  I know if I can just stay on track and keep it up, one day it won't be such a fight.  One day this will all be worth it.  I already feel 100 times better than I felt at this time last week.