Has It Really Been That Long?

So I was sitting at home the other night (bored, obviously) and decided to log in to Blogger and check out my old Shrinkella blog.  When I got on, I realized I hadn't posted anything in 2 1/2 years.  2 1/2 years ago I decided to take a "little" blogging break.  I truly cannot believe it's been that long.  I can't believe that much time has passed.  The sad thing is that even though I think about how unhealthy I am and how much I hate being fat every single day, I have changed absolutely nothing about my health in the past 2 1/2 years.  In fact, I am even bigger now than I was when I last posted.  I'm even more unhealthy than before.

Looking through all the old posts made me realize that I need to try again.  I have tried to get healthy and lose weight so many times.  It has never worked.  Something always derails me and I give up.

What's different about this time?  Why am I going to lose weight now when I never have in the last two decades of failed attempts dating back to my elementary school days?  Well, frankly, I have no idea.  Honestly, I don't even know if I believe in myself enough to lose the weight at this point.  I know how to lose weight.  I know what's healthy, what's not.  I just have been here before a thousand times, ready to try again hoping that this will be the time, and it always ends with nothing changing.  So I don't know how it's going to be different this time.  All I know is I have to lose the weight.  I can't continue down this path.  The life I'm living right now is not a life.

I've always been a big planner.  I sit down and spend hours writing out detailed workout plans and meal plans just to follow them for a few days and then abandon them.  Sure, there have been times I've strung together a few months of healthy eating.  I've even lost 30 or 40 pounds several times.  I've been hopeful and excited that I was actually on the right track.  But somehow I still always end up where I am now, feeling like a huge failure and needing to start back at Square 1. 

This time I don't have a plan.  I am not waiting until Monday.  I'm not waiting until the first of the month.  I'm not going to give myself a couple of days to get my kitchen filled with healthy foods and eat up the last of whatever unhealthy foods I have hanging around.  Those are all things I've done in the past to delay the pain of starting over.  Those are all things that have never worked for me.  So I'm just starting.  I'll figure it out as I go.  I don't care how long it takes me this time.  I just have to do it.