The First Big Test

I've been doing sooo good so far this week.  I made a big batch of chicken and white bean chili earlier in the week so I would always have at least one healthy option ready to go when I started getting hungry.  I've been super busy with work and I still am, so I feel really great about the fact that I've been eating healthy instead of just running out to grab fast food when work stress started getting to me.

This weekend will be the first big test for me.  For some reason, as soon as the calender changes to Friday, my brain flips a switch.  I've been so controlled all week.  I've been working hard.  I just want to let loose and eat whatever I want to.  I can get back on track Monday, right?

I realize that isn't a healthy way to live your life.  Five days of being healthy can easily be undone by a two-day free-for-all.  I'm working very hard to get out of this mindset of having a "free" weekend, but I know this weekend is going to be tough.  I already am fighting the urge to forget about the fact I have chicken breast thawing in the fridge ready for the grill and just go get the things I'm really craving.  My brain is telling me right now, "You can eat whatever you want for one more day and then start again tomorrow."  The problem is I know I'll tell myself the same thing again tomorrow, and one more day will turn into one more and then one more.

So I'm going to fight with myself today.  I'll probably have to fight with myself tomorrow, too.  I know if I can just stay on track and keep it up, one day it won't be such a fight.  One day this will all be worth it.  I already feel 100 times better than I felt at this time last week.

Getting Under Control

I'm now on my second full day of being binge free.  I am so happy to have at least snapped the endless cycle of bad food I've been in every day for the past several weeks.  Just going one night without eating a ton of sugar feels like a victory right now.

I've been focusing on two things over the last couple of days. 

1. Eat something...anything when I wake up.  Breakfast is not optional.
In the past I've really struggled with eating breakfast.  The thought of eating in the morning can actually make me feel physically sick.  I didn't want to eat anything too heavy this week since I'm just trying to ease into the idea of eating breakfast.  I've been grabbing a handful of almonds and calling it good.  I still need to work on eating more in the morning, but this is a good start.

2.  Planning what I'm going to eat the night before.
If I know what I'm going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I am a LOT less likely to binge.  Any time I have been successful with losing weight and eating healthy, I've planned my meals and stuck to the plan.  When I usually go off the rails is when something happens to disrupt my plan.  If I get crazy busy with work and don't plan my meals, there will inevitably be a night when I open the fridge for dinner one night and find only a bottle of ketchup and a dried-up lemon.  That's when I binge.

It's obviously only been a couple of days, but I feel so much better already.  Some guy at the grocery store today even yelled at me from his truck, "You sure have a spring in your step!"  I have no idea what he meant by that, but I guess I'll take it as a compliment.  LOL.

I'm not really focusing specifically on weight loss right now, but I did weigh myself this morning just to see how much damage I've done this past month.  I was 282.2.  Yikes!  I'm not going to weigh myself again for a couple of weeks.  I do not need the scale playing mind games with me right now.

I'm about to jump on the elliptical and then do some meal prep for tomorrow.

 

Reset

I’m really embarrassed to even post this.  I haven’t posted in a while because I am not making any progress.  In fact, I’m backsliding.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about why I’m overweight and the choices that I make when it comes to food.  I think it’s time that I face the facts.  I have a serious problem. 

I’m a binge eater. 

I have been binge eating for a long time, but lately I have been out of control.  I am scared because I feel like even though I know I have a problem and I truly want to change it, I’m still not doing anything about it.

I remember last time I visited my grandma in Florida she spent the whole time making veiled comments about my weight.  She never came out and said, “Lisa, you need to lose weight.”  No, that would be rude, according to her.  Instead, she made sure to point out other people who were overweight and talk about how dangerous it was that they were unhealthy.  She also made it a point to leave early from the beach so that we would be home in time to watch The Biggest Loser.  While we were watching, she kept talking about how she couldn’t believe “those people” let themselves get like that and how easy it is to lose weight if you just decide that you really want to do it. 

She put on a big show of counting Weight Watchers points while I was there, too.  She has never been overweight a day in her life.  She probably weighs 110 pounds and wears a Size 2, but she has been doing Weight Watchers and counting her points for as long as I can remember to maintain her weight.  While I was there, she made sure I saw her writing down her points every day, each time commenting how easy it was to stay within her points. 

She doesn’t understand binge eating.  She doesn’t understand I don’t have the same relationship with food she does.  The relationship I have with food is akin to the relationship that a drug addict has with drugs or an alcoholic has with whiskey.  I love it when I’m doing it, but I hate myself at the same time.  I hate how it makes me feel and I know it’s killing me, but that doesn’t change anything.  Apparently, that’s not enough to make me stop.

For the past several weeks I’ve been in a cycle.  Every day I binge eat thinking to myself that I’m just enjoying my last day of “freedom” before I start eating healthy.  Then the next morning I wake up feeling like crap.  The night before I had planned to work out first thing in the morning, but I feel terrible from last night’s binge.  I didn’t sleep well because all the junk I ate the night before gave me terrible acid reflux, which left me tossing and turning and ultimately propped up by three pillows in a super uncomfortable position just to control the burning in my chest enough to let me sleep a couple hours.  The last thing I want to do is eat breakfast.  Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.  So I skip breakfast, but I fully intend to eat healthy when I do eat my first meal of the day. 

I work from home, so I sit down at my computer and get to work.  Before I know it, it’s 2:00 or 3:00 and I haven’t eaten anything.  My stomach still feels sour and I still have heartburn, but now I’m actually getting hungry.  I check the fridge and realize that everything I have that is healthy is going to take some time to prepare.  Well, I’ve already been working all day and I don’t feel good and now I’m really hungry.  When I get hungry, that’s when I start rationalizing why another binge would be okay.

The conversation I have with myself goes something like this:

“I’m hungry.  The Mexican food place sounds so good right now.”

“You can’t eat that.  It’s terrible for you.”

“Well, I’ll just check the calories and stay within my calories so it won’t be that bad.  Actually, since I’m ordering from the restaurant, I might as well just get everything I want to satisfy my craving and then just start being healthy tomorrow.  I’ll just run by the store before getting my food and grab something healthy for tomorrow.”

“ Since I’m going to be healthy starting tomorrow, I might as well get some “good stuff” while I’m already at the store.” 

“Since I’m getting “good stuff,” I don’t want to just have a little bit.  I’m not going to eat it again for a long time anyway, so I might as well stuff myself with it.  How about a 6-pack of cupcakes and a bag of Oreos?” 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” 

So I go home with my haul feeling excited about the feast I’m about to indulge in.  After eating as much as I can possibly eat, I start feeling horrible again.  I vow to start over tomorrow and change everything.  Then the cycle starts again the next morning.

I realize I need help.  I need to try some things I haven’t tried before because what I’ve been doing obviously hasn’t been working.  I bought a couple of books about binge eating and have done some internet research.  Over the next week or so, I’m going to try to formulate a new strategy for changing my health.  It’s not about being skinny for me anymore.  It’s about my health.  I truly am scared at the state I’m in right now.

I’m hitting the reset button.  I can’t think back on how many times I’ve tried to get healthy in the past.  I can’t think about the failures.  All of that is in the past.  I can’t change what’s already happened.  I can make the right decisions from now on, though.

My focus for this week is just to not let myself get too hungry.  This process is going to take a lot of baby steps, so I’m not going to do anything extreme.  I just need to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner every day instead of waiting until the afternoon and then going crazy with food.  That seems doable, right?  Oh, and no more starting tomorrow.  This starts now.